This Is Not Happening
by Tumbler
Summary: The James-Younger Gang come upon two sisters who give them a run for their money... especially Cole and Frank --->AMERICAN OUTLAWS
1. Chapter One

"'Saloon,' how original," Cole said sarcastically to the band of outlaws following him. He turned to look at the scruffy men, all of them tired and sore.  
  
"Maybe we should go in," Bob offered. The other men snickered.  
  
"Do you want me to shoot you?" Cole asked, aiming his gun between Bob's eyes.   
  
"It's not even loaded," he said, swatting Cole's hand out of his way. They all laughed and proceeded to enter the bar and split up.  
  
"Well hello," Cole said as he sat down at the bar. He winked at the attractive brunette barmaid in front of him, but she rolled her eyes.  
  
"What do you want?" the girl asked, readjusting her corset. The sting in her voice made him think twice before treating her like every other dance hall girl he'd met. This girl seemed to demand respect.  
  
"Well, your name would be nice," he said, grinning.  
  
"What do you want to drink?" she repeated, emphasizing the last word.  
  
"Just gimme a beer," he snarled.  
  
"This one's on the house," a new girl said, smiling as she handed Cole his mug. He smiled at the pretty blonde who was now in his view. He didn't know where she'd come from, but she was a welcome change of pace from the woman he'd just been dealing with.  
  
"Why thank ya," he said, tipping his hat.  
  
"You're welcome," she said, smiling. He winked at her as she turned to service another thirsty cowboy.  
  
"Wow," Cole said to himself as he strolled through the saloon doors into the cool night air. He sat on a wooden box on the brilliantly lit porch with his mug of beer. "That girl was really gorgeous…" he sat for a long while, thinking to himself.  
  
"Okay," he said after a long deliberation over whether he should just talk to her or leave her be. "She's makin you talk to yourself! Ah! Damn it, Cole!" he said, jumping up. In doing so, he managed to knock over his crate, tip his glass and drop his hat. "Je-sus!"  
  
"Are you okay?" a slightly familiar voice asked. He cringed as he turned to find the raven-haired lady he'd been shot down by earlier.  
  
"Yeah, hunky-dory," he said, wincing afterward, noticing how stupid that sounded.  
  
"Oh, okay," she said, stifling a laugh as she turned to walk back in the bar.  
  
"God! What a whore," he said under his breath. She stopped and turned to face him.  
  
"What did you call me?" she asked, her eyes glittering with excitement.  
  
"A whore," Cole repeated, sticking out his chest.  
  
"Ooh, that wasn't very nice," she replied. In an instant, she'd produced a knife from a belt under her skirt and had it very close to Cole's Adam's apple. His eyes shone with fear as she pressed it onto his skin with the slightest of pressure. His hand wandered to his hip, the tips of his fingers playing softly on the butt of his gun.  
  
"I wouldn't do that," she told him, drawing the knife softly up his chin and cutting a few hairs on the side of his face.  
"But you should stop by the barber's and get yourself a shave in the mornin," she said. She smiled and ran her tongue over her lips, thinking about the things this young bandido could be good for.  
  
"What's your name, boy?" she asked, pulling the knife away from his skin. She raised an eyebrow, intrigued by the man she'd been toying with.  
  
"I'm Cole," he said, sighing with relief.  
  
"Cole who?" she asked, genuinely curious.  
  
"Younger."  
  
"Oh, okay. Well, Cole Younger, I was only funnin with the knife, but why don't you go back inside and talk to my sister instead of sittin out here, chattin with yourself?" the woman with no name suggested.  
  
"Okay, thank ya miss, I think I'll do that" Cole said as he nodded and tipped his hat as he walked past her, back into the bar. 


	2. Chapter Two

"Hello again, cowboy" the blonde behind the bar said as Cole approached. He grinned appreciatively as she placed a mug of beer in front of him.  
  
"Howdy," he replied. She smiled and continued working.  
  
"Tearney! Tearney!" the blonde turned to see her sister calling for her. She excused herself and made her way to the stairs. Cole said her name a few times, trying to get used to the unusual title. He was so engrossed in his infatuation that he'd almost forgotten about the job.  
  
"Well," Tearney said sweetly when she returned to the bar, "It's just about closin time. You can get a room here or you can go somewhere else," she offered. Cole smiled sadly and nodded to his cousin Frank, who had been waiting patiently for his cue.  
  
"That'd be real nice," he said, smiling, "but I'm afraid we can't do that."  
  
"Well why not?" Tearney asked with surprise. She'd hoped he'd accept her invitation.  
  
"Well, because this is a robbery," Frank said matter-of-factly. His shotgun was pointed directly at Tearney. Her sister snapped around at the word, "robbery" and thankfully, was quick on her feet and had grabbed the handgun stored under the register. She now had a slight advantage knowing that this man wouldn't shoot her since she had a gun on him… Well, she hoped he wouldn't shoot her.  
  
"Now look, ma'am," Frank started, "Just put the gun down, and no one gets hurt."  
  
"No, no one gets hurt because I've got a gun, too," Tearney said, her voice full of superiority as she aimed her small pistol at Frank.  
  
"Oh Lord," Frank and Cole said in unison. Reluctantly, Cole pulled his guns from their holsters, along with every other member of their gang, and they were all aimed at the barmaids.  
  
"Oh, I was just kiddin," Tearney said, dropping the gun. She clasped her hands behind her back and stood behind her sister for cover. Everyone was now aiming at the dark-haired woman, her eyes ablaze.  
  
"Okay miss," Frank said softly, "There are two ways this story can end, but only one way ends with you still breathin."  
  
"Hmm… Well, let's do this the easy way, shall we?" the girl said, smiling. Frank sighed and started to lower his gun.  
  
"All right, thank you, now, just put the money in this here bag," Cole said, placing a black leather saddlebag near the register.  
  
"Now why would I want to go and do somethin like that for?" she asked, feigning shock.  
  
"Well what else did ya mean by 'the easy way'?" Frank asked, taking charge.  
  
"Why sir, I reckon I meant ya'll just leavin us be," she said, thickening her farmer's daughter accent.  
  
"Now look," a new man started. He held his gun at his side and leaned against the bar.  
  
"No sonny, you look," she said, leaning over the bar, "I'm not going to let you rob my bar, got it?" She now had the man by the collar. When after a moment he failed to answer, she asked harshly, "You hear me boy?"  
  
"Yu… Y… Ye… Yu… Yes… Yes ma'am," he stammered.  
  
"Good," she replied, releasing him. She pointed her gun at Cole, who was making direct eye contact with her sister. She didn't appreciate it.  
  
"And you, gunslinger," she said, catching Cole's attention. She opened her mouth as though she was ready to speak, but ran her tongue over her teeth instead. To show that she was indicating Cole, she pointed the pistol at him, "You can go to Hell. But first, take my sister on a real date instead of ogling her." The nameless woman winked at a very disturbed Cole, and turned to blow a quick air kiss to the man who had earlier introduced himself as Frank.  
  
"Okay, so… Are you gonna give us the money?" the man she'd had the small episode with only moments earlier asked.  
  
"No, but if you get outta my sight, I might letcha live," she replied as sternly as she could. He smiled, thanked her, and walked calmly through the saloon doors.  
  
After the entire bar had been cleared out, Tearney sat with the cash from the register and happily counted the night's earnings. "One. Two. Three. Four. Five…" she said as loudly as she could, knowing that the men were right outside, waiting.  
  
"Tearney," her sister admonished.  
  
"What?" she asked playfully, shrugging her shoulders and extending her arms, money in her right hand.  
  
"Ah, never mind. Keep countin!"  
  
"Okay! Six. Seven…"  
  
"All right, all right! We give up!" Cole said, pushing open the left swinging door with Frank's large shotgun.  
  
"Yeah, you can give it up!" one of the men said behind him.  
  
"Yeah, we know we didn't rob you," Cole rejoined sarcastically.  
  
"Oh Jesus, not you again!" Tearney said under her breath. Her sister smiled and turned to the gang.  
  
"Bar's closed, boys. You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here," she informed.  
  
"And who the hell are you anyways?" Cole asked irritably.  
  
"An unhappy farmer's daughter who's gonna shoot you if you don't watch your mouth, son," she said with an edge colder than a mid-December Arctic night.  
  
"He didn't mean that the way it sounded," Frank said. "How about we start over? I'm Frank James, and this scrappy fella is my cousin Cole-"  
  
"Yes, I know who ya'll are," the mysteriously unnamed saloon proprietor said sternly. "and I'll be happy to help you with whatever your newest job is, if you tell me one thing."  
  
"What's that?" Cole asked, trying to keep from making it obvious that he was lookin awful hard at Tearney.  
  
"Where's Jesse?" the woman asked, honestly curious. Cole let out a frustrated sigh and turned to Frank.  
  
"Jesse? Well, he's a married man. Settled down, up in Tennessee. Got hisself a wife, a farm, two dogs and a couple little pups of their own," Cole told her, mockingly. He was tired of explaining the loss of Jesse James.  
  
"Hmm… Okay. Sounds fair enough. Tearney, you better be back here before the mornin," she said, walking toward the stairs.  
  
"Whoa, whoa, whoa, now wait a minute! I'm… I'm…"  
  
"Mad," Frank offered.  
  
"Yeah! Mad Bob Younger, thank you cousin, and I want some answers," the man she'd confronted earlier said heatedly. The woman rolled her eyes and continued up the stairs.  
  
"Her name's Victoria," Tearney said on behalf of her sister, "She's not really a people-person." Her explination was followed by a chorus of "oh's" as they headed out of the saloon. "I know I'll sound like a kid, but I've never been with bandits before," Tearney said shyly as the men loaded into the horse-drawn carriage.  
  
"Don't worry sweetheart," Cole said, winking, "We won't hurt'cha." Tearney's breaths shortened as she was suddenly overcome by fear.  
  
"Would you two just get in the wagon?" Frank asked, half playful and half annoyed. Tearney swallowed and took Cole's hand after he jumped up. He lifted her and set her into a seat. She smiled sweetly as Frank shouted at the horses.  
  
The night was less than exciting, up until the very end. The gang showed Tearney where they slept and explained all about life outside the law, but none of it interested her - until the train stories. Bob and Cole produced animated reinactments while Tom and Frank supplied factual information.  
  
"Outnumber by many, they were almost to cover," Cole yelped excitedly, brandishing his pistols, "Two-hundred Yankee-trained officers on horseback!"  
  
"Really," Frank told her, "There were about ten of them, but you know how young folk like to exaggerate." She smiled politely and giggled softly.  
  
"Hey Frank," Cole said as he ran his tongue inside his bottom lip, "Who's tellin this story, huh? You wanna tell it? You think you can do it? You go right on ahead then, Mr. Shakespeare." Directly, Cole pointed one fo his guns at his cousin.  
  
"All right, all right," Frank agreed, "tell the damn story all ready, Jesus Lord!"  
  
"Thank you," Cole said, turning back to Bob. "Okay, so," he explained, "Bob here is one of the men, got that?" Tearney nodded, "Okay, and what I did was..." Tearney watched with excitement as Cole quickly disarmed his brother and, using a stick he'd found nearby, stuck the man with a makeshift bayonett.  
  
"Now damn it Cole!" Bob argued, "Why do I always have to be the one gettin hurt?"  
  
"Because I'm the best lookin of the whole Younger clan," Cole teased.  
  
"Oh that's it man, you're dead," Bob roared, jumping at his brother. Cole threw his gun to Tom, who caught it by the barrel and sat it between his leg and Frank's. Cole tackled Bob and the two began wrestling around until Cole had Bob on his stomach and in a headlock.  
  
"Say it," Cole offered.  
  
"Never!" Bob declared, trying to free himself.  
  
"Just say it Bob!" Cole nearly begged. Bob looked at Tearney and winked, and she noticed Cole did the same at nearly the exact same moment. Suddenly, Bob sent a sharp elbow toward Cole's leg, but Cole knew what was going on and jumped out of the way at just the right moment.  
  
"Ha ha!" Bob reveled. "Thank you gentlemen... And ma'am," he declared triumphantly, strolling around to continue enjoying his victory. 


End file.
